It is a very bitter sweet gift, this gift you gave us Jehovah. Do not get me wrong (I trust you not), I love living but I happen to do find it more of a burden than a gift.
It is too demanding, at times it gets so overwhelming that I at times rather wish myself more or less rather peacefully dead than alive.
I was left rather troubled when the gift that was my father died. It was not that he died that troubled me but rather, the things that led to his passing. Did he die because he was pushed into dying or was it because he no longer had the tenacity, the will to live? If he died out the need to die, was it I who led him to that ending and if so, will you Jehovah, ever forgive me for my hand in his passing?
It doesn’t take much to push me well over the edge…that I am now quite very clearly sure of. For one thing I find myself quite rather more at ease with being concerned with him more than he is of other people. My father’s death, this seemingly never ending grieving process, the financial hardships and consequences resulting from it has stripped me naked; forcing me to look at my naked self right in the eye, guts and nakedness included and perceive or rather begin to perceive who I really am.
I refuse to see myself as would a failure but I do see that I have not achieved anything kind of note worthy. I feel the greatness thumbing within but that is where it ends: nothing more.
It takes a lot of work to show your greatness…I might have the strength but I do not have the will. I had plenty of it but it seems I have finally run out of it.
It seems you are forcing me into first finding out who I am without my father first before venturing into re-aligning my life. I can go on moaning about my friends’ success but it seems it will not help.
Nor will grieving about my father so much. It seems I ought to go back into learning more about you Jehovah, learn why we as humans and I as a person on my own right get to suffer so much. It seems it is not enough coming to you in praise and prayer, for my own sake I must learn how to love you not for the sake of my family or even myself but rather for my own sake; for me to want to live and to live again.
I must re-align my purpose and then be able to live!
I may not know where this prayer will lead but I do believe Jehovah, that you will never live me…Your Son promised: “I will always be with you, even unto the end of the world.