I was not always aware when growing up. Knew there was/is a god out there or even the God but most things were silent in this small head of mine. And as such I was not as I am now.
My father was a loner…and so was I. I have for years been trying to eliminate that part of me and to the most part have been able to do a measure of success but not majorly on the parts that I like. I was not very talkative but now I am. I had few friends/ frankly non but now I have managed to have a few. I have always been a family man…ok been overly concerned about my father’s health and non other’s the past eight years…but since his death have been forced to understand that to some people-not excluding-life goes way beyond that. I am not ( unfortunately for me) to be concerned with my tiny family’s life but also that of my clan, the Sibiya of Mngeni but that of my tribe too, the Sibiyas of Khiphunyawo royal kraal.
We are a dying lot my people and I. And that is true any day of the week. It is a sad thing to note that even so they still want to kill me dead quicker than any of them. My only chance of survival is if I happen to make it academically…A thing I would very much enjoy doing if I had the means to do so. But I do not have the means. I am rather a limited person, even unto the point where I thought myself stronger than most men. In today’s world non of things I somewhat value do matter. Honor for example is a thing long out the window. Wisdom profits only those who deem themselves humble but even so the humble are no longer rich. Instead they are a pack of lonely souls who wonder more about death than living and frankly would see themselves dead than living in a world where their kind are treated like dogs by man no wiser than babes.
I am one of these people and this is what I see I look at the world and this thing we call life.
We are told that life is what you make of it.
I see no such thing…not for most people any ways. Would I have been born during the old days-or at least to a people who value the old values I would be a kinglet. Fortunately/unfortunately (I never am so sure any more) I find myself born to a people of the so called noble blood with no noble spoon in their mouth. To make things even worse, my brains are as average as are those of any other men.
The only thing that distinguishes me is non other but this big hurt of mine I find to be rather more of a slave master than a heart.
My whinnying is that if I had the brains…I would do much for my clan, my tribe, my nation and my people. Especially for the poor.
Unfortunately I do not. As such, even though I wish, I may end up a dog dead on the street and never rich. I can not help my people, I can not bring decent work to my tribe or even my clan. A biological waste is what I see myself as being. Bringer of shame to my tribe, my clan, house,family, mother and father.
I Gift Siphiwo Sibiya: Last of the house of Maningi, of Ngobe of Zembethe of Gumede of Ndaba son of Malandela. I am turning out to be a waste and pride is doing nothing to prevent this House from rotting down.